Russian Roulette
by CailinNollaig
Summary: His vision is blurred and he feels like there's a hole where his heart should be, gnawing and destroying him from the inside. It's chipping at him, desperately and yet valiantly working to break him and annihilate him.  DARK


_And you can see my heart, beating_  
_You can see it through my chest_  
_Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving_  
_I know that I must pass this test_  
_So just pull the trigger._

He's tormented by the reality of his situation; the burning, loathing, intense hate he has for everything and everyone surrounding him. His vision is blurred and he feels like there's a hole where his heart should be, gnawing and destroying him from the inside. It's chipping at him, desperately and yet valiantly working to break him and annihilate him. He can barely deny its calling and struggles to keep his vision focused. He wonders what's happening to him, why can he only feel? And all he feels is pain. Pain and hate. There's a darkness in those words that creeps over him quietly, enveloping his body and soul like a parasite slowly sucking the blood out of him. He has flashes of relief, flashes were he can regain himself again.

He see's Hogwarts Gryffindors table. They're laughing and joking, eating happily. He struggles to understand where the urgency had disappeared to, where the despondency had gone on vacation to. He attempts to regain full eyesight by blinking multiply, but nothing works, and he's left simply listening to their laughter. An incredible anger surges through him as he sits there, and soon realises he's sitting in between Neville and Ginny. They are having a drinking match, attempting to see who can guzzle their drink quicker. Harry frowns, utterly lost as he tries to contemplate the situation. This couldn't be Hogwarts. This couldn't be what was going on while he was throwing his life on the line daily, trying with all his might to rescue those back at Hogwarts by finding the horcruxes. He has to be dreaming, envisioning a world where those he left behind were happy. His subconscious battles with this thought, the darkness pushing at his very being once again.

Harry shakes his head, searching for his two best friends, and his effort being for nothing. The hall is empty of their presence and he feels a fear embrace him and wrap its arms around him, sending chills of cold sweat down his back. He blinks rapidly, his vision becoming more lucid. He can see the Gryffindors joking. Ravenclaws reading and exchanging words quietly. Hufflepuff's chatting. Slytherin's smirking.

His head is spinning, and the entire room begins to tilt. He falls to the side, off the back of his chair. Tears prick at his eyes and Harry fights to keep them at bay; fury is returning now, and it is firing up every bone in his body. He manages to see the Gryffindors begin to crowd around him, and has an impulsive urge to shout at one of them. Why are they standing with panicked expressions, instead of helping him? Betrayal blazes through him and that blackness is given some leeway as he sneers.

He finds himself shaking then, and everyone starts to crowd around. Neville bends down to help him, but as he is about to pick him up, he drops him back roughly to the ground. "You can't do anything right," he spits.

He's still confused, and racks his brain for something to say - anything to make it better, to help them, though he's not sure what's wrong. Urgency is suddenly flooding him and he feels as if it is impertinent that he reply and help them, he has to - he has to help them. He can't - there's no way he can fail.

Harry reaches for his wand, but his hands are shaking so violently that he can't get a drip on his holster. He can't control his movements anymore, and his body convulses aggressively as he tries to gain his control again. Breaths are becoming more difficult and his chest is sore; there's a searing pain fighting its way up his body, and there's a dull throbbing banging at his chest, and each time it hits he loses breath for a few moments.

The pain hits again. But it's a roaring, tearing pain that flames right through him, slashing its way around his whole body and ending with his mind. He screams loudly, aware that the students are backing away, and kicks with all his might. He has to fight it. He has to overcome it.

Anger and hate are closing in. Darkness is taking over his already dark soul and he feels the energy of hot, red hate pouring into him. He _wants _this. He wants to hurt.

Neville pulls him upright by the collar, and Harry has a strange compulsion to spit him. His sane mind reigns in this compulsion, battling with that fury and loathing to spare his friend. Neville is a good person - there was something missing, here. Neville wouldn't do this.

Neville's face twists into a sneer and the rage fires up in Harry again and he lunges forward, only to be met with the wave of torment again. He screams, pulling at his hair and shaking. He blearily manages to keep his eyes open, and notices that one by one, people begin to disappear. The hall begins to morph into somewhere he didn't want to see.

Neville turns to someone he could spit at. The pain is gnawing at him, and the black his begging at him to give way, to let himself go. Harry opens his eyes fully, taking in the full surroundings of the dark dungeon and the several Death Eaters before him.

"_Crucio!" _It hits him again. Every bone in his body is slowly crushing and his muscles begin to turn against him, refusing to work any longer. His mind is unravelling rapidly and he reaches up to hold his head, as if stopping it from going any further. His veins fill with poison that slowly pollute him with each beat of his heart, which appears to have also gone against him for this reason.

The anger and hate of the darkness beckons him, and Harry valiantly refuses. He can't. He won't.

The blackness beckons him. He can't give into the darkness, but he can't prevent the inevitable any longer. He can't keep this up, he can't withstand anymore. He is losing his mind by the second and treasures the last few moments in which he can revel in mild lucidity.

He apologises to Hermione and Ron, and then gives in. The dungeon, Death Eaters and darkness disappear.

His whole world turns black.

* * *

Very depressing, I know. But I was feeling up for some angst, you know? Perhaps I'll write something lighter in a while. If it wasn't clear, I had the blackness as death and the darkness as the hate and dark soul he could give into. Just 'cause that wasn't very clear! :L  
Reviews highly appreciated. Don't own song or HP btw.

xCNx


End file.
